Exasperation

1 John 4:17-19 (English Standard Version)

"By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us."

God has spoken to me very clearly in this verse. It screams out from the screen. Jesus is looking at my heart and saying "Why are you still afraid?"

I answer him by saying "I don't know." I don't feel forgiven of all that I've done. "I know I am but it is liberating to not live in guilt and remorse. My souls weeps about the horrors my eyes have seen and the days of garbage my brain has taken in while looking at hours of porn on the internet. Or secluding away from my family in anger. Or when I was lonely and afraid I pleased myself instead of looking to you. Or when I broke promises I swore to both about sex and my relationship. How did I let that happen? How does something like this happen?

I'm human I make mistakes. I'm not God.

There is hope for me and you who feel like we are so broken. Jesus says in Matthew 5:3


"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Apparently because of Jesus even I can enter the Kingdom if I have faith and I have accepted him as savior. I do accept him as savior. I'm going to have a big talk with Jesus about it tonight. I need to feel him. I admit I'm still a little kid who knows alot but doesn't know how to use it and still needs spiritual milk while desiring food. God is a glorious and gracious God and he is kind.

1 John 4:17-19 (English Standard Version)

"By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us."

Christ's death is perfect love and through it we can have confidence on the day of judgement because Christ rules us. We shouldn't be afraid when God loves us as much as he does and we shouldn't be afraid when we don't feel him.

God, I cry out to you like a newborn and I need you pure and unfiltered. I desire to be in your heart and feel your grace. Father I need you. Father I love you. Father I crave you. I've formed an addiction to you like a man smoking crack. Everything in my life depends on you and I need your restoring grace and love. As I sleep tonight give me peace that passes all understanding. Send me your shalom.

Exasperated I come to you.
Depraved I long for you.
Fatigued I rest in you.

"You have been told that God is loving, gracious, merciful, kind, compassionate, wonderful, and good sky fairy who runs a day care in the sky and has a bucket of suckers for everyone because we're all good people. That is a lie... God looks down and says 'I hate you, you are my enemy, and I will crush you,' and we say that is deserved, right and just, and then God says 'Because of Jesus I will love you and forgive you.' This is a miracle." - Mark Driscoll

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." - C.S. Lewis

Jesus of course says it best.

John 14:26-27

"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."